Pirates have a lot to deal with these days. They were once the scourge of free market capitalism, hijacking, stealing, robbing, and destroying shipping vessels the world over. Spanning over hundreds of years, pirates were feared and admired, and their perception as charming, devious, hook-handed, eye-patched pariahs only helped to serve the intimidations of many. Today, however, pirates have almost completely vanished. The word brings up nothing more than a few poor Somalis who try to hijack shipping vessels off the Horn of Africa or teenagers illegally downloading the latest MGMT album at 3AM from their parents’ internet cable service. For the few classical pirates that still remain hidden among us, bolstering their once intimidating persona is something that, if not achieved, threatens the very existence of their waning population.

For those pirates who are struggling to come out of the closet and terrorize the world once again, they must consider getting an eye exam. This is no joke. An eye with poor vision can easily be removed, making it necessary for a real eye patch to be placed around the head of the pirate in question. No pirate who would wear an eye patch over a good eye could ever be taken seriously. So for the pirates out there with good vision, it might be helpful to stare at the sun for a few hours each day (with one eye closed, of course). If pirates are still too afraid to come outside and face the sun, however, it might be necessary to take the time to stare at a welding spark with one hand over an eye for a similar amount of time. After an eye exam, the damage that the eye received will surely yield results that will allow a pirate to acquire a true eye patch.

Now that pirates are one step closer to rebuilding their dark, brooding, intimidating characters, they will need to choose some bodily extremity to lose. Be it a leg, hand, ear, or simply a bout of vicious (natural) scarification, one of these will be necessary to rebuild the image of pirates that was reminiscent of the 16- and 1700s. This can easily be done by throwing oneself in a lion or crocodile pit at a local zoo, training with UFC champions (or even angrier runner-ups), or strapping a hand or knee to the rails of a high-speed transit system. Incidentally, for those pirates concerned with pain, the Shanghai Manglev monorail is the fastest in the world.

Finally, pirates need to acquire a fantastic boating vessel and crew in order to travel the Caribbean from cruise line to cruise line, demanding royalties from tourists, bad comics, and the elderly for daring to vacation in their waters. All gold acquired should be melted down into large coins, kept in treasure chests you bury on various islands and dropped into shallow areas of the sea. Once all pirates have taken an eye exam, acquired a severe injury (and preferably a loss of extremity) and begun to pillage the seas, only then will the world rightfully fear the pirate once again.